American-Manifesto.com In Defense of American Exceptionalism

To do my part to combat global warming I've put together a simple two part plan.  We'll call it the American Manifesto Two Part Plan to Combat Global Warming or the AMTPPCGW.  Since I didn't have a UN sponsored committee to help, I had to come up with that name myself.  The AMTPPCGW consists of a legal element and a behavior modification element.

Part I: Legal
First, we'll require that anyone meeting certain criteria have an automated exhalation bypass valve implanted in their chest.  This device will detect excess amounts of CO2 being exhaled, such as when someone is blathering endlessly about global warming.  The device will automatically route a portion of their exhaled gasses back into their own lungs.  This sequesters the CO2 which, as it builds up, causes the exhaler to get a bit sleepy and a bit calmer, resulting in a shorter global warming rant.

American Manifesto will, of course, own the patent on this device.  But don't worry, we'll license it at reasonable rates.

The criteria for people required to get the implant are:
1. Anyone who scoots around the globe in a private jet
2. Anyone whose home has bathrooms exceeding twice the average number of bedrooms for the state in which they reside
3. Anyone whose fleet of personal vehicles exceeds the median price for a house for the state in which they reside

Part II: Behavior Modification
Every time someone uses their car for a trip that isn't absolutely necessary they will pay a sin tax of $1.00. No, they won’t pay the government. They’ll pay me. Once enough people have done this, I'll modify my behavior and move to a warm tropical climate that requires neither heat nor AC. There I will live while blogging, sending out really great email newsletters and making guest appearances on The View (remotely, of course) all discussing how great it is that I've cut my CO2 footprint on your behalf.

It's a tough, thankless job saving the planet but I'll take one for the team. One margarita, that is, with salt…poolside today. Maybe on the beach tomorrow. Thanks.